Buhtt sex?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
