I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
