i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
