So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
