I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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