Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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