All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
