textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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