I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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