Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
