Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
