Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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