One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
