I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
