You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
