Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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