found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
