just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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