Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
