The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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