i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
