He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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