Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
