Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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