I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
