this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I can't turn off my feet"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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