you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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