seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
