If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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