I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
