I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
