if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
