my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
