There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
