I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
