im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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