i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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