omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
