Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
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