I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
