Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
