when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
