I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
