Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
