enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
