Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
