i need an iv and a liver transplant
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
They took my balls.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
