i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
