I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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