And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
