I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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